In many ways,what you think is what you feel! Certain thoughts will make you more angry while others will calm you down. To be less angry,challenge “automatic thinking”and replace with realistic (but different) self-talk.
Roger,an anger management participant in one of our classes,tells this story which illustrates the power of changing self-talk:
“Recently I had occasion to be in San Diego for a business meeting at a hotel on Mission Bay. Driving from Orange County,I missed my exit and wound up in downtown San Diego. Unfortunately,in trying to get out of downtown San Diego,I felt like poor Charlie in the famous song by The Kingston Trio called MTA with the lyrics:”
Did he ever return,
No he never returned
And his fate is still unlearn’d
He may ride forever
‘neath the streets of Boston
He’s the man who never returned.
“I felt my frustration increasing as every attempt I made to get back on the freeway resulted in construction detours,one-way streets,being behind huge trucks,and 85 year-old tourists driving 5 miles an hour.”
“In addition,I was now hopelessly late for my meeting.”
“My first “automatic thoughts”were something along the lines of”
“What will they think of me being late?”
“What a stupid jerk to miss your exit.”
“Why are all these slow drivers pulling in front of me?”
”I can’t believe my luck today.”
“Then,I decided to think my rationally and started telling myself things like:”
“Calm down. it doesn’t matter.”
“Everybody makes mistakes.”
“Things don’t always have to go my way.”
“These slow drivers have nothing to do with you.”
As Roger discovered,changing self-talk this way can do wonders for your anxiety and anger levels. It really worked for him. He concluded by commenting:
“I called my meeting and told them I would be a little late-and then rationally and calmly thread myself around San Diego until I came across the exit freeway I needed. The world didn’t stop turning because I was a little late. I didn’t lose and job and the sun came up the next day as usual. It taught me that I can control my emotions by thinking about what I am thinking about and then changing it.”
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